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Just who do I think I'm kidding? - Elizabeth Unexplained
Lots of data but no answers
Just who do I think I'm kidding?
Well, that pretty much sums up my attitude about IVF #4, you know, the one I'm currently supressing for.

I haven't made the appointment for the suppression check yet. Must do that tomorrow. I did not make it when Nurse Ditzy called me back on cycle day one. She called me during an Opnetwork session on cycle day one. She blathered on at length about my instructions. Unnecessarily so, I mean, this is try number four with IVF, and I have three IUIs under my belt too, including one with injectables, I'm not exactly a novice here. Anway, listening to her blather on my cell phone in the back of a session was one thing, but getting transferred and talking through the appointment was way ruder than I was willing to be, so I put off making the appointment.

I never got around to it. I could claim to have been too busy, but the truth is I'm procrastinating. The reason I'm procratinating is that I'm pretty darn sure it won't work. Always before, I tried to be cautiously optimistic and secretly really, really hoped it would work. I tried not to get my hopes up knowing that the its only about a one in three chance on any given cycle, but my hopes got up anyway. I did have a positive attitude, and that positive attitude did not make it happen. In my heart of hearts, I really thought that first IVF would work. Not so anymore. Now I'm convinced it won't work. I am going through the motions.

Of course I will still make the appointment. I will still go. I have cut way back on my caffine intake. I am being careful to take my pills. I will take my injections as punctually as I can when we get there. I will eat right. I will go to the blood draws and ultrasounds and follow instructions. I will sanity check said instructions because we know I'm much less fallible than Nurse Ditzy & company. In other words, I will do everything in my power to make this cycle work. I have to, for the sake of what remains of my sanity. I have to know that I did everything, tried everything, covered all the bases. Whatever the outcome, I have to know I tried everything within reason that could be tried. But hope, hope is dead. I think I have an exact time of death on hope to put in the obituary; I'm guessing it was the wee hours of Monday morning when the arrival of my three-days-late period woke me from a sound sleep.

Just who did I think I was kidding these past 3.25 years? Myself apparently.
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enugent From: enugent Date: September 12th, 2007 04:16 am (UTC) (Link)
I saw something interesting on an IVF bulletin board, where veterans were talking about stress and how they get through just one more cycle. One of them (actually, I think it was Julie from A Little Pregnant) said that she is much calmer and more relaxed about it all when she is utterly convinced that the cycle won't work. She just goes through the rituals of needles and ultrasounds that have become part of her life, but without a sense of driving purpose. It worked for her - maybe it will work for you.

I have surprisingly little hope at this stage, even though I'm only starting my first IVF cycle. I think I've immersed myself in too many stories of failure on the web, gone through too many months of thinking that maybe, this time, it will work with other methods. And I can't possibly do it over and over - once more after this would be the absolute limit, and we may not do that, depending on how I respond this time. But I'm making my way through this cycle anyway, trying not to let hope overcome reason, but trying not to let despair overcome it, either.
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