Elizabeth (greyautumnrain) wrote,

Discovering my Superpower

My friends talk about their superpowers. We're nerds who sometimes read comic books, so this make much more sense if 95% of your friends like the X-men. A good example is firstfrost, she has the superpower that she needs less sleep than everyone else. I was feeling a bit left out; I had no idea what my superpower was. Clearly I needed something cool, but I was coming up blank. Surely I must have a superpower, right? Then, last week when I was talking to another friend it dawned on my what my superpower was. It turns out my superpower is Knowing What I Want.

Of course the reason I didn't realize it was actually my superpower before now was that it didn't seem like a cool and unusual power. Great, she knows what she wants. How is that useful? I also don't always know what I want, but generally for the big stuff I do know, and I tend to be pretty good at making up my mind on the little stuff too. What makes it a superpower is the side effects this has, and the fact that it turns out that most people are far less decisive.

If you read infertility blogs at all, you will find that there is a fair bit of blog space dedicated to the topic of how long to pursue treatment. Fertility treatments are invasive, expensive, and have some annoying side effects (like headaches that last for 10+ days continuously, for instance). Some women angst a great deal about how long they should keep trying. For me it is not even a question. I absolutely will continue until I either have the desired number of children (3), or until they won't let me use my own eggs anymore. I will keep at it until I get What I Want. The shots? While I was very nervous about the first shot ever (way back when it was just the trigger shot for my first IUI with Clomid), it rapidly became an non-issue. Now the only problem with the shots is finding a piece of unbruised belly flab. The extended-dance-mix-lupron-headache? Annoying yes, and I will complain about it, if only because venting is healthy, but it would have to be so very much worse before it would dampen my determination to continue. Being put under for egg retrieval yet again? It's a worry since I do understand its a roll of the dice everything I go under, but its a low enough risk that it won't stop me. The whole cycle of hope and despair is wearing, but I'd get that even without treatments, and the bad part of that is the fact that I am not getting What I Want. While it may seem that wanting something that it turns out is difficult to achieve so badly might be causing me some pain, at least I know that I want it. I want it with such a strength that the hassles if IVF are not going to stop me, its not a question. I will continue no matter what until I either have what I want or I run out of clinics willing to take our money. It may seem a little crazy right now, but in my book it beats the hell out of dithering about it and then living with regret forever.

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