Elizabeth (greyautumnrain) wrote,

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Why I bother mentioning the needles

Yesterday I did the first injection for IVF #2. That's a fine excuse to actually post some thoughts I've been considering blogging about for a while.

I find myself talking about the injections a lot. The thing is, the shots don't bother me at all. Even the progesterone in oil ones aren't a bad as people make them sound. So why do I keep bringing them up?

The thing is, I am not alone. If you read other infertility blogs you will find that lots of women mention the shots, even though few actually complain about them, except for the PIO. So why do we do this? I have a theory.

The pain of infertility is hard to explain. Most people suffer losses and disappointments in life, and then they get to move on. Infertility isn't like that. There is always the chance that treatment might work. Maybe I'll get a baby, then maybe again I won't. I can't give up because my odds of succeeding are too good, and a baby is the one thing in life I really want more than anything else. On the other hand, there is the month after month of disappointment and frustrating delay. Add to that the fact that it was supposed to be easy to get pregnant and the fact that it took two years to find out why it wasn't. The entire experience has been... sucky. And it continues to suck and will suck until I have a baby to take home, and even then it will suck some more because I will want my baby to have siblings, because siblings are great.

Of course the people on my friends list are bright enough to get this. After all, most of you went to MIT and the few who didn't regularly hang out with us nerds. Sadly we live in the real world now and regularly have to interact with people from outside the MIT community. Its more than a matter of saying 'physics' instead of 'course 8' when I talk to these people... a lot of them (not all, not by a long shot, but a lot!) just aren't as bright as the people I'm used to hanging out with, so they don't get it. They lack the imagination, or they just don't think about it because thinking is hard, or whatever. They fail, and this is reflected in the comments they make. "Just relax and it will happen." "Maybe you just need more practice." "It'll happen when its time." Yeah, thanks for the helpful advice. These people just don't get it, and that is frustrating in and of itself. For some bizarre reason I sometimes want to make the rest of the world get it. The real pain, the emotional stuff is hard to explain, and for people who aren't experiencing it to get it they have to actually engage their brains. Shots, though, shots are easy to explain. There is nothing like casually mentioning that you're stabbing yourself in the gut on a daily basis to clue the clueless into the fact that this is a big deal.

A related side note is that the fact that so many of the clueless don't seem to believe that infertility is a real problem. Since my infertility was unexplained for so long I am particularly sensitive to this. People seem to think that if its unexplained, then there is no reason. The 'just relax' crowd goes has free reign because you can't tell them why. Clearly you aren't pregnant yet because of your bad attitude. One of the reason that I'm glad that I still have very visible scars on my belly from the laproscopy is that its proof that there actually was something wrong with me. It was not my imagination. Doctors at B&W don't operate on women who are just being paranoid. The shots are like that too. I wouldn't be giving myself injections if there weren't a real problem. And so I talk about the shots because they are an easy shorthand way of combatting the clueless hordes.

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