Its the 'or they are dead' part that gets me, of course. Because this is an IVF cycle we have much more certainty than we've ever had in the past. We know there were two embryos; we have a picture of them. Everything that happened after transfer, though, is a big black box. We're planning on collapsing the wave function on Thursday. I really, really want those embryos to be alive, especially now that I've seen them. Trust me, it was love at first sight. On the other hand, I can't help the morbid recurring thought I have: have I managed to kill them yet? Hope is hanging by a monofiliment here.
Hope. I once read on another infertility blog that "hope is what you pee on". Its very true for most women, but not for me. I have six expired HPTs (home pregnancy tests) at home that I need to throw out. The reason they are expired is that I developed a superstition about HPTs early on. I think that, given the available data from my own experiments, I can be forgiven if I developed the somewhat faulty hypothesis that using an HPT causes my period to appear. This is how I managed to have HPTs in the house long enough to have them expire. So, while in theory there are HPTs sensitive enough to give me an answer as early as tomorrow morning I'm not going to try, lest I jinx myself. It would also be somewhat pointless as I'd probably not dare believe a good result and be too stubborn to accept a bad result until the definitive blood test anyway.
All that doesn't make the uncertainty any less... uncertain. What I wouldn't give for those Heisenberg compensators they had on Star Trek, that might do the trick. I really want my embryos to be alive, but I also just want to know really badly so I know if I should be cautiously happy or just plain sad.
Well, stayed tuned. Be strong little embryos. May the force be with you. Live long and prosper. All that good stuff.