My sister and I were born nearly four years apart. (Three years, eight months and four days for those of you who like accurate numbers.) I had originally thought this was by design as it seemed an excellent spacing to me. I got lots of undivided attention when I was a little and by the time Margaret arrived I was old enough to amuse myself while my parents tended the baby. Also, the largish gap did minimize sibling rivalry. When I was older my Mom told me that this was not the case, they'd been trying to have a sibling for me for over a year before they conceived Margaret.
Initially I had thought that the time it took them to conceive Margaret was a statistical blip, especially in light of other things I know about Mom. Having struggled with infertility for a while now, I know that the gap is still medically secondary infertility because she was trying for over a year. Of course she did end up having as many kids as she wanted without any sort of infertility treatment. Still I worry about what might have been going with her medically in that year and if there is any genetic connection to what is causing my problems now. On the other hand, that's not what really bothers me about Mom and the gap, what bothers me is the way Mom keeps bringing it up.
We had the conversation again last Sunday. Mom reminded me yet again that she and Dad tried for over a year to conceive Margaret and it was only when her own mother died and her mind was on something else entirely that she finally got pregnant. She tells me I should just relax, and which point I cut her off and tell her that after two years relaxing just isn't goint to cut it. I know she means well, but you'd think that having gone through secondary infertility she'd know better. I also find it incredibly ironic that the woman who worried about absolutely everthing when I was growing up is telling me to relax. I am seriously considerering asking her if she thinks that if I want to get pregnant I should hide her blood pressure medications since maternal death has such a positive effect on fertility.
"Just relax" is the single most cliche piece of assvice given to infertile women. Sure, stress never helps anything, but how do you "just relax"? Seriously. Its like the most unhelpful thing you can say to anyone. Personally, what helps me deal with stress is having a plan for dealing with the situation causing the stress and executing said plan, which is what I'm doing.