Log in

No account? Create an account
entries friends calendar profile Previous Previous Next Next
Blue, or maybe Green and Purple - Elizabeth Unexplained
Lots of data but no answers
Blue, or maybe Green and Purple
I'm not doing so well. Physically I'm fine. Of course I have this lovely green and purple bruise on my inner elbow from the first unsuccessful attempt at taking blood for the beta, but other than that physically fine. Shouldn't bruises be black and blue, so as to accessorize better with the blue mood?

You would think I'd be coping better with one negative. Its not like its a surprise. I knew the odds were not great. I knew success was not guarenteed on the first try. Also there's the small matter of the 20 other failed attempts to reproduce, so I should be used to failure by now. Well, it doesn't help.

Much as my rational mind knows the odds, hope is like a highly addictive drug. I just couldn't help but hope. I saw those two huge follicles on the screen. In spite of what all the doctors say, I figured that my retroverted uterus was to blame, and as soon as the sperm got taxi sevice past the confusing cervix we'd be home free. I really wanted it to work this time. I wanted all those tests that showed I was healthy to be proven right.

That's not the worst part, though. Remember the scary dream from a few entries ago, the one where I saw an ultrasound where I was pregnant with twins but lost them? Yes, well, as stupid as it sounds I believed in those twins. I wanted them to be real so that I could at least have the opportunity to not lose them. In my imagination they were two little boys. (Warren's family is almost all boys, so we're most likely to have boys.) My fantasy included making a tiny dark green sweater to go with the tiny dark red one I already have tucked away so that I could dress them in the same outfits, just with different colors. I knew it was foolish all along, but I wanted it so much.

For a girl with a science degree I'm not doing so well in the rationality department, which may be why I'm taking it so hard. Since my period has still not arrived (no doubt due to the progesterine gel -- hey, at least that stuff works), I keep thinking that maybe the beta was wrong. Maybe the lab messed it up. Maybe it worked after all. I know that's highly unlikely, but I just can't help it. The rational side and the hopeful side are beating each other up in here and if I could see what they looked like they'd both be covered in green and purple bruises like the one on my elbow.

Current Mood: depressed depressed

7 comments or Leave a comment
remcat From: remcat Date: February 2nd, 2006 11:42 am (UTC) (Link)
I wish I had something cogent to say -- I will have to stick with "I'm sorry" and "I'm so sorry" and then say it again.
twe From: twe Date: February 2nd, 2006 12:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm sorry...

My bruises are usually green and purple too.
enugent From: enugent Date: February 2nd, 2006 01:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
It just isn't fair. I really wish it would be.

(I bruise purple and green, too, fading to yellowish-brown.)
mijven From: mijven Date: February 3rd, 2006 04:36 am (UTC) (Link)
We're a faith based species. "Anything is possible if you just believe" is ingrained into our psyche at a young age, especially if you're bright and have a world of possibilities open to you. So having finally achieved another level on your goal (this one provided by rational science!) it makes sense for your hope to have upped itself a notch, almost as if hope were the missing ingredient all along.

Okay, I'm reaching here. But combined with this mental fluke are all the hormones regularly associated with PMS. Hormonal reactions enhanced even, by your medical intervention. So it's easy to understand why you're in the place that you are - even if it's hard to truly comprehend the intensity of it (unless you happen to be in the same place at the same time) or how to help you through it.

I'm rambling again, aren't I? Oh well. Sorry - for everything. Especially for the fact that right now it's less painful for me to slip back into the hope phase for you yet again... which is where I am. Hoping. Always.
greyautumnrain From: greyautumnrain Date: February 3rd, 2006 06:50 am (UTC) (Link)
Yes, I have been thinking that perhaps the progesterone gel that I wanted so much was making me a bit crazy. I'm feeling a bit better this morning. Still no blood yet. It will, or course, pick the absolute worst time to show up. I'm predicting crippling cramps just in time to interfere with dance practice this evening.
twe From: twe Date: February 3rd, 2006 07:54 am (UTC) (Link)
It will, or course, pick the absolute worst time to show up.

Sigh. So true.
enugent From: enugent Date: February 3rd, 2006 10:15 am (UTC) (Link)
It will, or course, pick the absolute worst time to show up.

You are so right. By my calculations, I can expect the next one to arrive just as I sit down to start taking the bar exam.
7 comments or Leave a comment