Elizabeth (greyautumnrain) wrote,

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Frustration, Denial, Procrastination and Apathy

So I haven't made a post about the whole trying to conceive business for a while. That's because there hasn't been anything to really report. Now there is, sort of. The week before last I finally made an appointment with the new Fertility doctor, the one my primary care doctor recommended. We'll be seeing him December 8th at 1pm. Wish us luck.

I procrastinated a whole bunch before making the appointment. First I wanted to be sure of getting a cycle off after three months of Clomid. Then I was dealing with my sister's wedding, and just didn't get to it... etc. Really, though, I was just procrastinating because calling the new doctor is admitting that this isn't just bad luck or a little problem that's going to be fixed by a quick perscription. Its admitting that I honestly am infertile and I really do need some serious medical help to deal with this. Its admitting that my body has let me down, for the first time in my life. Sure, the infertility is still unexplained, but we're on cycle number 19 of trying. I don't need a medical degree to deduce that something must be amiss somewhere.

Anyway, I finally called the doctor. Partly it was that I needed some sort of progress to tell people about at Thanksgiving, but it was also that I came to the realization that I simply no longer believe that I can get pregnant by simply sleeping with my husband. Everything I thought I knew about human reproduction from the age of seven no longer applies to me. Given that I still do want a child or three I had to call the doctor once I was sure that screwing around on my own was not productive.

I've got a weird sort of apathy about the whole thing now. I don't care about this cycle. Sure, our timing was OK (through no effort on my part, I might add), but I just know its not going to work. I don't even particularly care that it won't work. I figure I'll at most have to do one more unassisted cycle before they bring out the heavy guns. Personally I'd just as soon stop diddling around and go directly to IUI, do not pass go, do not collect three months worth of FSH. In my head right now getting pregnant is no longer my responsibility. It is now going to be the new doc's job to get me pregnant. I've been working hard on doing everything right for so long for absolutely no result. I'm going to turn this over to a pro, and he'd just better get the job done.
Tags: ttc

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