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Hope and Despair - Elizabeth Unexplained
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greyautumnrain
greyautumnrain
Hope and Despair
I whine about the whole TTC business behind the cut.


So guess what happened to me last night? Given that I'm whining, its probably not much of a surprise that the answer is 'I got my period'.

Once upon a time, this would mearly cause me to grab copius amounts of advil. That was back in the old days, when not being pregnant was a good thing. Back when I had every reason to expect that not using birth control carefully and vigilantly might cause me to get pregnant. To think that back then I actually worried that no form of birth control is 100% effective.

OK, so its only be a little over a year that I've been trying, and I don't really have a good excuse for feeling so frustrated and down about it. After all, I know a couple who was trying to for five years before they had a kid. On the other hand, I'm thinking that calender time is not the only way of measuring these things.

This has made 14 full cycles that I've been trying and failing. That's 14 whole times through the cycle of hope and despair. You see, the whole TTC thing is not constant despare. You have to hope with each new cycle that this will be the one. This time it will work. This time you'll surely get knocked up. Of course when it doesn't happen you are, to put it mildly, disappointed. Its not just the length of time I've been trying, its the number of times I've been through this particular set of ups and downs. 14 times. Its getting irritating.

You see, many women who suffer from infertility have irregular, and often quite long cycles. That's what makes me a bit weird. The longest cycle I've had while trying has been 33 days. The last one was only 25 days. My average cycle is 28 days. It may only have been a little over a year, but that's a lot of cycles. I'm now on day two of cycle number 15, and I've no reason to believe that this one will go any better. Understanding statistics as I do, I know that my chances of getting lucky are not actually improved by the number of times I've tried and failed at baby roulette.

Now I have to figure out how to call the fertility specialist during business hours without my coworkers overhearing me. Oh, joy. I love making these calls during work. Luckily I doubt the guys I work with know what the heck Clomid is.

Tags:
Current Mood: depressed depressed

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Comments
remcat From: remcat Date: July 19th, 2005 09:54 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm so sorry to hear about cycle#14 ... I have a short cycle too, so I know what you mean (on a smaller scale). I know from experience that even one cycle of not-being-pregnant when that is what you're aiming for can be hard to bear.

I found it helpful to be on babycenter.com boards for TTC -- no one understands where you are like another woman in the same place as you. Of course, it's a mixed blessing, because it's a constant reminder of where you are.

For the phone call, you could always pretend to be a smoker and take a cell phone outside :).

Good luck, keep your chin up -- I really hope it happens for you soon!
greyautumnrain From: greyautumnrain Date: July 20th, 2005 08:04 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks for the comment. I hand out at fertilityfriend.com, which has free charting software as well as boards. Nice as the buddy groups there are, I often feel that my real life friends are better support.

I did find out I had refills on the Clomid, so I'll start that again today and prepare for the four day headache. I haven't spoken to the actual doctor yet, which is a good thing. I worry that he'll switch medications just because of the stupid headache, and really, a four day migrane is a small price to pay for a baby.
remcat From: remcat Date: July 20th, 2005 05:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, I'd do a headache for any of the boys :).
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