April 20th, 2008


Fear of Buyer's Remorse

Warren and I spent the weekend doing something absolutely normal for a couple expecting their first child: we shopped for a crib. After much searching and deliberating we ordered one this morning. We also got ourselves a new mattress, that and a snuggle nest should help make our bed less of an infant death-trap should I want to have the baby in our bed overnight while I'm nursing.

I'm pretty sure I'll end up liking the crib. Warren is very analytical about shopping and over the years I've learned to work with him at it instead of making snap decisions on my own. This results in a pretty high success rate at purchasing stuff that we end up liking over the long term. I'm not worried that we won't like the crib. The though hit me this morning, though, that there is still a very faint chance that something terrible could happen and we won't have anyone to put in the crib this summer. I had this vision of the assembled crib sitting there in a corner of the front room mocking me for being so sure that it was going to work out. It didn't help that the fetus had been having a quite morning and I hadn't felt movement in hours. Happily the fetus has since had some stretching episodes that confirm it's still in there and probably fine. I guess it's just something I'm going to have to get used to, the fear of losing this thing that I want more than anything.

In other random thoughts... While we were out and about hitting the furniture stores yesterday it seemed that everyone wanted to comment on my condition. I guess I must be reaching that point. A lot of the comments involve expressions of sympathy. I've been getting that a lot lately. People want to know if I'm ready for the pregnancy to be done with, I must be so uncomfortable, blah blah blah. What always strikes me is how unfair the universe is. Sure, there are some minor discomforts, and it's not always easy to get out of Warren's car these days, but these things are no big deal to me. Random people on the street never offer you sympathy about your infertility. Yes, I know it's not obvious the way the basketball sized belly is. Sometimes I wish it were. I don't need the sympathy now, but I could have totally used it after IVF #3 when we had nothing to transfer, or during those frustrating months when IUI after IUI was cancelled because of the mystery cyst on my left ovary that turned out to be an endometrioma, or... well, you get the picture. The real kicker is that there are women out there right now who are infertile and who need that sympathy, and I can't give it to them because I don't know them when I see them. These people see me now and probably feel those feelings of jealousy and anger that I felt when I saw pregnant women. It makes me wish I had a T-shirt with my IVF protocol written across the belly in large letters, except I don't wear T-shirts.