Elizabeth (greyautumnrain) wrote,

The Sound You Hear is my Head Exploding

My boss called yesterday to remind me to send in some urgent benefits stuff and chat a bit about my return to work. It brought home the fact that in just a few weeks I will have to go back to work and LEAVE MY BABY BEHIND. I'd been doing the prep work for it, but it didn't seem real until that call.

Somewhere I have a half-written post about how stupid it is that women beat themselves and others up about the whole staying home verses going back to work thing. I don't have the time or the interest to finish that post now. The whole debate is just too stupid. Each woman's decision is dependent on a whole bunch of personal variables, and anyone who thinks that they know what is best for another woman to do is an idiot. Personally, I have a well-paid job that I really like and want to keep, thus I am going back. In an alternate universe where I either hated my job or was less well-compensated I might choose to stay home, but based on current circumstances the obvious thing to do is go back to work.

Going back to work may be the obvious choice for me, but that doesn't make the prospect of being away from Margaret any easier. I have trouble putting her down for goodness sake, which is why I have learned to hit shift and a letter simultaneously with one hand. Clearly I won't be so effective troubleshooting network engineering one-handed while breastfeeding, but that means my baby will be parted from her two best friends all day. I know she'll understand once she is older, but that doesn't make the now part easier. The now part involves a baby who won't understand why she suddenly can't have a nurse and a cuddle whenever she wants. Lets just say I'm having trouble with this and leave it there.

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