Elizabeth (greyautumnrain) wrote,

Well, you married him...

I still read a number of infertility blogs and one of the message forums that I read on Ravelry is for infertile folks who knit and crochet. Generally I like reading this stuff; I find the combination of black humor and information on other people's treatments useful. Sadly there is one thing that you often see that really annoys me: the occasional woman who constantly whines about her spouse.

I have no objection to the occasional discussion about how hard infertility can be on a relationship. It's pretty much universal that nothing will kill the romance like doing it month after month not when you feel like it but when your pee sticks say it's time. It's also not uncommon for folks to need the occasional reminders that infertility is really rough on the men too, they just talk about it less, feel it at different times, and aren't getting the same feedback from their bodies. Discussions about these issues are useful and I have no problems reading about them. It's when a woman constantly goes on about how her spouse won't do X, is not supportive of her, or seems less committed to having kids that I get annoyed. When reading blogs this is pretty easy to avoid, you just don't read that blog anymore. With forums it's a bit harder to avoid. I can ignore the individual poster, but then there are all the other posters who feel compelled to offer sympathy or whatever. It gets on my nerves.

I think the reason why it bugs me so much is that I feel like it's not appropriate to be complaining about your spouse in a public forum. In our culture we all pick out spouses. You meet someone, you date, a proposal happens, and if both parties are agreeable you get married. It seems to me that it is the responsibility of both people involved to do some vetting of their potential mate at some point before a wedding happens. It also seems to me that one should ask about the things that are important to you sooner in a relationship rather than later. If you find that your spouse isn't as committed to having kids as you are, or isn't supportive enough to meet your needs, or whatever it is, isn't that an admission of failure on your part to properly choose your mate? Maybe I'm just not a very sympathetic person, or maybe I just don't fully appreciate just how lucky I was to find Warren, but I am just completely unmoved by the women who seem to want sympathy for how their spouses behave while admitting no responsibility on their own part. Also, complaining on a public forum about your spouse may be temporarily cathartic, but it absolutely will not improve the situation over the long term. You aren't going to wake up and find yourself married to a guy who is committed to working with you to beat infertility unless that is the guy you married in the first place. That happens to be the kind of guy I married, but I'd like to think it was good vetting on my part and not just dumb luck.

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